Messages from Doula KaseyResources, motivation, and tools to help you and your loved ones have a well supported death
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I hear versions of this question a lot. And I get it. We don’t want to suffer at the end of our lives. We don’t want our loved ones to suffer. So I’m here to tell you what to expect. And then tell you a little story to demonstrate that it is perfectly normal to be surprised when you see signs and symptoms of active dying. Every death is different. And yet, there are patterns! When I was a freshly trained end-of-life doula and hospice volunteer I had been at the bedside of someone actively dying one time.
But I’ll tell you something, I am a good student. 👩🎓 I paid attention in those doula classes and hospice training sessions when they talked about signs and symptoms of active dying. I thought I knew what to expect. You know where this is going right? ❗ The first time I met with a client who was transitioning into active dying, I misread the signs. When I came to the house to meet with “Bob” his wife explained that he was having a difficult day and we might have to have a short visit. Bob was standing behind his chair holding a breathing cannula to his mouth (he hated the way it felt in his nose). He said he was having a harder time catching his breath. He was fidgety. Not in pain, but he kept sitting in his chair and getting up again. He just needed to move. As we settled in to talk, Bob continued to get in and out of his chair. Sometimes pacing a bit. At one point he even jumped with surprise. When I asked what was wrong he said “Nothing, the cat just startled me. It’s always climbing in and out of the window.” I looked around and couldn’t see a cat. Nor any way a cat could get in and out of the window since there was an AC unit installed. As I left that day I encouraged Bob’s wife to let the hospice nurse know about the changes in his symptoms, thinking his medications were making him hallucinate. I got a call a few days later that Bob passed. Bob was restless, his breathing was changing, he was seeing people and animals in the room that others could not. These are classic signs of transition. Which I had been trained on, but I missed them. The reality of death can be so different from what we expected in theory. It’s normal to miss interpret what you are seeing. A lot is going on and each sign or symptom could have a variety of causes. Plus you might be physically tired. Plus you might be emotionally drained. Knowing physical signs and symptoms of active is a lot less scary than not knowing. I made a PDF for you of the Physical Signs of Active Dying, so you can have an idea of what to expect. But there is also an amazing TEDX talk by Dr. Kathryn Manning on YouTube explaining what happens as we die. It’s a wonderful tool and I highly recommend watching.
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Sometimes when we are ready to talk to our loved ones they don’t seem ready - or willing - to talk to us.
Maybe there’s resistance. Anyone else experience the eye roll 🙄 and hear comments like, “Why do you have to be so morbid.” Maybe there’s denial. “Stop, we’re not there yet. We don’t need to talk about that yet.” These reactions can be difficult to hear and frustrating 😤 if you feel a sense of urgency. So let’s talk about three different approaches to these conversations. First, and simplest…think about what communication style has worked in the past. Remember a time you’ve had a conversation with a spouse, child, or close friend that you were worried about and it went well. What happened? Did you text first? Talk over the phone? Maybe you were sitting side by side in a car, not looking directly at each other. Honestly, one of the best ways to set yourself up for success is to choose a communication method that’s worked in the past. Next, start by sharing. For example, you could say something like… “I was reading an article recently about green burial, have you ever heard of that?...I thought it was really interesting. I’m going to look into what it would take to set that up so it’s easy for whoever is making arrangements after I die." That’s it! Maybe the conversation continues, or maybe you just shared that little bit. Either is a win. Finally, if a personal approach might be too intimidating try bringing up examples from pop culture. “Have you seen the movie…one of the characters decided to have a farewell party instead of a typical memorial. I thought it was so moving that they got to hear their friends and family eulogize them while they were still alive. Would you do something like that?” While you’re excited to share, it’s important to be prepared to listen too. Take note of what your loved ones share with you. Ask follow up questions. You’d be amazed what you might learn. So what do you think? Are you going to try to sneak in some casual death conversation at Thanksgiving? If so, here are a few more conversation starter ideas for you:
11/20/2024 0 Comments Bringing MealsThis is so funny, today I’m sharing recipes.
I never thought this would happen, but I talked about gift giving and mentioned that folks were starting to fill my freezer with things my family can easily heat up after the baby arrives. And some folks want to know what kind of meals I’m getting! Which makes sense, one of the ways we support our friends and family during difficult times is to bring them meals. Whether someone just had a baby, recently had surgery, or is caring for a loved one here are some thoughtful things you can bring to them:
Cheesy Onion Quiche Ingredients
>> You can sub white onion for scallion but dice it fine and sauté it before adding to the egg mixture. Carrot and Ginger Soup Ingredients
Making meals for others is about caring and intentionally creating something to support them in their time of need. It feels good. 🥰 I like having a process (cooking) where I can actively thinking about my people. Also, as a recipient, it feels good to be taken care of. |
AuthorKasey March is a Death Doula, End-of-Life Educator, & Advocate ArchivesCategories |

Doula Care for Dying, LLC. serves southern Vermont, New Hampshire, and nationwide virtually.
Call (802) 546-1110
Email: [email protected]
Call (802) 546-1110
Email: [email protected]