When we talk about end-of-life care, one phrase comes up again and again: a good death. We say it in hushed tones, in wishes, in eulogies. "At least she had a good death," we might say, meaning there was peace, minimal pain, maybe even a moment of grace. And while that’s a beautiful sentiment, I want to talk about something different—something just as important, if not more so.

What if we shifted the conversation from simply hoping for a good death to actively preparing for a well supported death?
Because here's the truth: a good death doesn’t happen by accident. It happens when people are supported—emotionally, physically, spiritually, and logistically. A well supported death lays the groundwork for what we think of as a good death, but it centers the process, the people, and the infrastructure of care, not just the outcome.
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Let’s break down what that really means—and why this shift in language and perspective matters more than ever.

The Limits of the "Good Death" Narrative
The term good death has become a kind of shorthand in hospice and palliative care circles. It usually implies that the person who died did so peacefully, without unnecessary suffering, with dignity, and according to their values. And of course, that’s something to aspire to.

But here’s the problem: the phrase good death can sometimes feel vague, overly idealistic, or even judgmental. I mean who needs a measuring stick at the end of life to tell you how well your are doing. And also...

• What if someone dies in pain, but surrounded by love?
• What if they die in a hospital, not at home, but their wishes were honored as best they could be?
• What if they were scared, or angry, or left things unsaid?

Does that mean their death wasn’t "good?"

The reality is that death is complex. It’s unpredictable. And it’s not always clean or peaceful. When we talk only about the good death, we can unintentionally place blame or shame on families, caregivers, or even the dying person themselves when things don’t go perfectly.
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That’s where the concept of a well supported death comes in—and why it’s so important to shift our language and our expectations.

What Is a Well Supported Death?
A well supported death is about the infrastructure of care. It’s about the hands that hold someone—metaphorically and literally—through the final days, weeks, or months of their life.

Here’s what a well supported death includes:

• Physical support: Effective pain and symptom management, gentle personal care, rest, and access to comfort.
• Emotional support: Compassionate listeners, space for fear, tears, joy, or silence.
• Spiritual support: Access to rituals, prayers, meditation, ceremonies, or other meaningful practices.
• Logistical support: Help navigating hospice, end-of-life care options, funeral arrangements, and advance directives.
• Family support: Resources for caregivers, respite time, grief support, and honest communication.

A well supported death doesn’t necessarily mean everything goes perfectly. It means that no one was left carrying the weight alone. It means that support was there—even when things were hard.
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And here’s something crucial: a well supported death may still feel messy, painful, or even tragic. But it is carried, it is held, it is witnessed. That’s where the healing happens.

Why Language Matters: Moving From Good to Supported
When we say someone had a good death, we’re making a judgment—usually with good intentions, but still a judgment. That framing can unintentionally:

• Place pressure on families to "do it right"
• Imply that some deaths are "bad"
• Make people feel like they failed their loved one
• Overlook the complexity and unpredictability of dying

But when we talk about a well supported death, we move away from moral evaluation and toward compassionate process.
We’re not asking whether someone’s death was "good" or "bad." We’re asking: Were they cared for? Were their needs met? Were they seen and heard?

​That shift creates more space for nuance, honesty, and grace.

10 Real-Life Ways a Well Supported Death Shows Up
Let’s look at some tangible examples. These are all situations where people might not use the phrase good death, but they clearly demonstrate what a well supported death looks like.

1. A person with dementia dies in a facility where staff know their story, play their favorite music, and hold their hand during the final hours.
2. A dying parent’s adult children rotate shifts to be bedside, supported by a hospice team and a friend bringing food.
3. A terminally ill person uses Medical Aid in Dying, after long discussions with family, doctors, and an end-of-life doula who helps plan the day and their goodbyes.
4. A dying person experiences intense pain, but their caregivers advocate persistently to get the right medication and relief.
5. A person dies suddenly, but their family is surrounded by a community offering meals, childcare, and storytelling.
6. An end-of-life doula helps a family write legacy letters, facilitating connection even as decline progresses.
7. A hospital patient dies unexpectedly, but a chaplain and nurse stay with them, lighting a candle and offering prayers.
8. A chosen family rallies around a queer elder, making sure their pronouns, body, and wishes are respected after death.
9. A person dies at home with their dog in bed and their favorite record playing, thanks to a well-prepared advance care plan.
10. A dying person asks hard questions about what happens next, and their caregivers don’t look away—they stay and answer with honesty.

​Each of these examples reflects a well supported death. Not all would fit traditional definitions of a good death, but they center connection, care, and respect.

Why the Shift Matters for Families and Caregivers
If you’re reading this as someone supporting a loved one through illness or decline, you may already know how heavy that role can feel. The pressure to "get it right" can be overwhelming.

Shifting the focus to a well supported death allows you to ask better questions:

• Who else can help?
• What do they need emotionally—not just physically?
• How can we build in time for rest, ritual, and reflection?
• What kind of presence feels most comforting?

​Instead of striving for perfection, you can aim for presence.

Instead of chasing a good death, you can build a well supported death—together.

How to Begin Planning for a Well Supported Death
If you're wondering how to begin this kind of preparation, here are a few key steps and resources:
1. Have the Conversations Early. Use resources like:

• The Conversation Project
• GoWish Cards
  These tools can help you and your loved ones explore values and priorities long before a crisis.

2. Create an Advance Directive. This includes:

• Living will
• Healthcare proxy
• POLST (Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment)
  Check with your state’s laws and forms, or visit CaringInfo.

3. Explore Hospice and Palliative Care. Even if you’re not ready to enroll, understanding your options can reduce fear and empower decision-making. Hospice is often misunderstood—learn more through:

• Medicare.gov
• GetPalliativeCare.org

4. Consider Hiring an End-of-Life Doula. Doulas provide non-medical emotional, spiritual, and logistical support. Find one at:

• National End-of-Life Doula Alliance (NEDA)
• Death Doula Directory

5. Build a Circle of Support. Think beyond professionals: neighbors, friends, faith leaders, therapists, meal trains, and even pets can all play a role in creating a well supported death.

The Role of End-of-Life Doulas in a Well Supported Death
As a death doula, my work centers around exactly this: supporting a death that is not just “good” in appearance, but deeply supported in its reality.

I’ve sat with people whose dying process was chaotic and still beautiful. I’ve seen families fall apart and then pull together. I’ve helped clients plan their final weeks with intention and watched as their plans gave them peace, even when their deaths weren’t “perfect.”

What mattered most wasn’t whether the death fit someone’s idea of “good.” What mattered was that the person wasn’t adrift. That they were cared for. That they were witnessed.
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That’s the heart of a well supported death.

Let’s Reframe the Narrative
The phrase good death isn’t going anywhere—and it doesn’t need to. But let’s expand our language.

Let’s start talking more about what it takes to get there, and how we can offer each other support through the process.
Let’s talk about:

• Building systems of care
• Naming the helpers
• Holding space for imperfection
• Honoring emotional needs, not just physical ones

Let’s talk about a well supported death.

​Because when we do, we give ourselves—and each other—permission to show up in all our human messiness and love.
We stop chasing the impossible and start offering presence. We become doulas to each other.

Final Thoughts: What You Can Do Today
Here are three things you can do right now to help move this shift forward:

1. Talk about your wishes. Even if it’s awkward. Especially if it’s awkward.
2. Support someone else’s death. Bring soup. Sit quietly. Ask what they need.
3. Change your language. The next time you hear “a good death,” consider adding, “It sounds like they were well supported.”

​Because the more we talk about a well supported death, the more we create space for truth, care, and connection.
And in the end, isn’t that what really matters?

Let’s talk about something that might feel a little heavy—but it’s something that touches all of us eventually: death. Specifically, we’re diving into a topic that’s becoming more common in public discourse, but still isn’t widely understood--medical aid in dying. You may have heard the term, or maybe you know it by another name like “assisted dying” or “death with dignity.” But what does it really mean? And more importantly, why is medical aid in dying important?
We’re going to explore the facts, the emotions, the ethical debates, and the legal landscape. And throughout it all, we’ll keep coming back to that central question: why is medical aid in dying important? Because when it comes to end-of-life choices, people deserve compassion, clarity, and control.

​What Is Medical Aid in Dying?
First things first—what are we even talking about?

Medical aid in dying (MAID) refers to a legal process in which a terminally ill, mentally capable adult requests and receives a prescription medication from a healthcare provider, which they can take to peacefully end their life. It’s voluntary, it’s self-administered, and it’s reserved for those who meet strict eligibility criteria.

Not to be confused with euthanasia (which involves a third party administering life-ending medication), medical aid in dying puts the power in the hands of the person who is dying. That distinction is key. And it’s one of the reasons why many people feel strongly about the issue.

It also shouldn't be conflated with suicide, where a person is choosing to end their life. In the case of medical aid in dying an individual has a terminal diagnosis with a short prognosis. These individuals are not choosing between living and dying. They are choosing the timing and manner of their death. 
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So, why is medical aid in dying important? It honors personal autonomy. It gives individuals the option to die on their own terms, with dignity and peace, rather than endure prolonged suffering that cannot be relieved.

A Brief History and Where It’s Legal
Let’s zoom out for a second.
In the United States, as April 2025, medical aid in dying is legal in:

• Oregon (the first, since 1997)
• Washington
• Vermont
• California
• Colorado
• Hawaii
• Maine
• New Jersey
• New Mexico
• Montana (via court ruling)
• Washington, D.C.

Each of these states has its own version of a Death with Dignity Act or similar law. Requirements typically include:

• Being over 18
• Having a terminal illness with a prognosis of six months or less to live
• Being mentally competent to make healthcare decisions
• Making multiple requests, including one in writing
• Self-administering the prescribed medication
  
  

I am in Vermont, where medical aid in dying is not only legal, but you don't have to be a resident to request this end of life care from a doctor. Vermont's Patient Choice at End of Life Law (Act 39) went into effect in May of 2013. The residency requirement was lifted in May of 2023.

Now you might be asking again, why is medical aid in dying important if it’s not available everywhere? That’s part of the problem—it isn’t accessible to everyone. People living in states without legal access often face enormous emotional and financial burdens if they want this option. Some relocate temporarily. Others suffer in silence. Legalization matters because it brings relief, support, and choice to those at the end of life.

Why Is Medical Aid in Dying Important for Patients?
For patients facing a terminal illness, the road ahead is often paved with pain—physical, emotional, spiritual. Palliative care and hospice can offer relief, but they don’t always cover every base. In some cases, despite the best care, people experience unbearable suffering. And individual have the right to choose their end of life care.

So again, why is medical aid in dying important? Because it provides an option—a last resort, yes, but an option nonetheless. It’s about control. It’s about being able to say, “I’ve reached my limit, I’ve lived my life, and I’m ready.”

We talk a lot about quality of life, but what about the quality of death? Medical aid in dying allows a person to say goodbye on their own terms, surrounded by loved ones, at a time and place of their choosing. That’s not giving up. That’s courage.

Why Is Medical Aid in Dying Important for Families?
This is a huge part of the conversation.

When someone chooses medical aid in dying, it gives families a chance to say goodbye. To gather. To prepare. It can transform death from a moment of trauma into a ritual of peace.

Sure, it’s still hard. It’s still loss. But for many families, watching a loved one suffer is the hardest part. Knowing they had the power to choose a peaceful end can ease the grief, not amplify it.
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So why is medical aid in dying important for families? Because it can reduce trauma. It can give meaning. And it can offer closure.

Addressing the Concerns
It’s normal to have questions and even doubts. What about religious or moral beliefs? What about the risk of coercion?

Let’s break it down.

Most MAID laws have multiple safeguards to ensure consent and protect against abuse. Two physicians must confirm the diagnosis and prognosis. The patient must be of sound mind. There’s usually a waiting period (in Vermont appointments with a prescribing physician must be AT LEAST 15 calendar days apart), and the person must be able to self-administer the medication.

Religious objections are valid, and personal. But in a pluralistic society, one belief system shouldn’t dictate the rights of all. Medical aid in dying is voluntary. No one is forced to use it. But the option must exist for those who need it.
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That’s another reason why medical aid in dying is important—because it balances freedom of choice with safeguards, respect, and compassion.

A Tool, Not a Replacement
Let’s be clear—medical aid in dying is not a replacement for palliative care. It’s not an either/or situation. In fact, most people who pursue MAID are also enrolled in hospice.

The goal isn't to rush death. The goal is to avoid needless suffering when all other avenues have been exhausted.
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Why is medical aid in dying important in this context? Because it complements existing care options. It rounds out the end-of-life care spectrum with one final, voluntary choice.

Real People, Real Stories
It’s one thing to talk policy. It’s another to hear from people living this reality.

Take Brittany Maynard, for example—a 29-year-old woman with terminal brain cancer who chose to move to Oregon to access medical aid in dying in 2014. Her story reignited national debate and inspired advocacy across the country.

Or consider the countless anonymous voices who write letters to legislators, begging for relief—not because they’re afraid of dying, but because they’re afraid of how they’ll die.
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Why is medical aid in dying important? Because real people are pleading for it—not out of fear, but out of love for life and a desire to control how it ends.

The Role of Healthcare Providers
Doctors and nurses are often on the frontlines of this conversation. And while some choose not to participate (which is totally allowed under most laws), many see MAID as an extension of patient-centered care.

When done well, it’s a team effort: physicians, pharmacists, hospice staff, counselors, bedside attendants (like death doulas), and family members. It takes empathy, training, and transparency.
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And that leads to another answer to why is medical aid in dying important—because it encourages conversations about death that are often avoided. It opens doors for shared decision-making and informed consent.

Advocacy and Access
If you’re wondering what you can do, here are a few places to start:

• Compassion & Choices (compassionandchoices.org) – A leading national organization advocating for end-of-life options.
• Death with Dignity National Center (deathwithdignity.org) – Supports legislation and provides education on medical aid in dying.
• Patient Choices Vermont (patientchoices.org)- dedicated to education about Medical Aid in Dying and end-of-life choice in Vermont.
• Your local hospice or palliative care center – Often, staff can point you toward education or support in your area if you are in a state where MAiD is legal.

Because ultimately, why is medical aid in dying important? It pushes us to advocate. To speak up. To create a system where people facing the end of life don’t have to suffer in silence.

The Bigger Picture
Medical aid in dying also reflects larger themes in healthcare and society—autonomy, consent, dignity, justice. It’s about trusting people to make their own decisions, even at life’s end.

It’s about making space for grief and for grace. And it’s about recognizing that death, like birth, can be a deeply personal and meaningful transition.

​That’s why we keep asking: why is medical aid in dying important? Because the answer touches every part of being human.

Final Thoughts
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for being open to a tough conversation. Whether or not you personally support medical aid in dying, I hope this helped you understand it a little better.

And if you’re still asking why is medical aid in dying important, here’s one last reason:
Because we deserve choices. We deserve dignity. We deserve the right to write the final chapter of our own stories.

Let’s be honest—most of us don’t grow up hearing the words “death doula.” So when someone first hears the term, the natural question is: what is a death doula?

It might sound a little unfamiliar at first, but once you learn more, you’ll see how valuable and comforting this role can be. Whether you’re facing the loss of a loved one, planning ahead, or simply curious, this post will walk you through what a death doula does, why they matter, and how to find one, like me, \ if you need support.

So, What Is a Death Doula?
In simple terms, a death doula—also called an end-of-life doula—is someone who supports people as they near the end of life. Unlike doctors or hospice nurses who handle medical needs, death doulas focus on emotional, spiritual, and practical care. They’re like a calm, caring presence who walks beside you (and your loved ones) during one of life’s hardest transitions.

If you’re wondering what is a death doula in everyday terms, think of them as a kind-hearted guide, someone who helps bring peace, clarity, and compassion to the dying process.

What Does a Death Doula Actually Do?
This is where things get personal—because every death is different, and so is every doula. Still, there are some common threads in the kind of support they offer. Here’s a glimpse:

• They listen. Really listen. Without judgment or trying to fix anything.
• They help plan. That might mean helping someone write letters, record their stories, or figure out what kind of environment they want when they die.
• They support families. Death doulas often sit with family members, explain what’s happening, and offer a steady hand through tough emotions.
• They hold space. That might sound vague, but it’s powerful—just being there with love, patience, and presence.

If you're asking yourself again, what is a death doula, the answer is: someone who helps make the end of life less scary and more meaningful.

Why Would Someone Want a Death Doula?
Great question. For a lot of people, death feels overwhelming—and that’s totally normal. There’s a lot to think about, a lot to feel, and sometimes, not a lot of support outside the medical system. That’s where a death doula comes in.

When people start to explore what is a death doula, they often realize how comforting it is to have someone around who’s not trying to “do” anything medically, but just be there with them. Doulas help bring back a sense of calm, dignity, and even beauty to dying. They’re often described as “anchors” in the storm.

Is a Death Doula the Same as Hospice?
Not exactly, though they work beautifully together. Hospice is a medical service—it includes nurses, doctors, and pain management. A death doula is a non-medical companion. They often fill in the emotional and spiritual gaps that hospice may not have time or capacity to cover.

So if you’re thinking what is a death doula compared to hospice, it’s not either/or—it’s both/and. Many families use hospice and a death doula together for a fuller, more supportive experience.

What Kind of Services Do Death Doulas Offer?
This really depends on the doula, but here are some of the most common services:

• Legacy projects like photo albums, letters, or audio recordings
• Vigil planning—what the person wants their final days and hours to be like
• Sitting bedside during the final transition
• Explaining the dying process to family members
• Rituals, music, candles, or spiritual support
• Grief support after the person has passed

Still wondering what is a death doula? It’s someone who helps make sure a person’s final days reflect who they are, what they love, and how they want to be remembered.

Who Becomes a Death Doula?
You might be surprised—death doulas come from all walks of life. Some are former nurses or chaplains. Others felt called to this work after experiencing a meaningful or difficult loss. This is me. I trained as an end-of-life doula after losing my grandmother in February of 2020 and then immediately being plunged into all the loss that came with the COVID-19 pandemic less than a month later. Many doulas have been trained through one of the growing number of doula training organizations across the U.S. and beyond.

One thing skilled doulas have in common? Deep compassion, strong listening skills, and the ability to sit with grief and not turn away. That’s the heart of answering what is a death doula: someone who stays present through life’s most tender moments.

Are Death Doulas Just for the Person Who’s Dying?
Not at all. In fact, doulas often spend just as much time supporting the family or friends of the person who’s dying. That might mean helping them understand what’s happening, creating space for emotions, or even guiding them through rituals after death. Doulas know that grief starts before someone dies, and they’re there to help people feel less alone in it.

So when we ask what is a death doula, it’s important to include their role as a resource for everyone impacted—not just the person who’s dying.

How to Find a Death Doula
Okay, so you’ve learned a lot about what is a death doula. Maybe you're feeling like this kind of support could help your family or someone you love. The good news? If you're in southern Vermont or New Hampshire I'm available to help in-person. If you're futhure afield I'm available to you via zoom and phone calls.

However, I truly believe everyone should have a well supported death so I'm going to tell you how to locate a do ula - even if I'm not the best fit for your situation.

There are lots of great places to start your search. Here are some well-known directories and organizations where you can find trained death doulas:

• NEDA (National End-of-Life Doula Alliance) – www.nedalliance.org
• INELDA (International End of Life Doula Association) – www.inelda.org
• Going with Grace - https://goingwithgrace.com/death-doula-directory/
• DoulaGivers – www.doulagivers.com
  

You can also ask your local hospice provider, palliative care team, or grief support organization if they have recommendations.

Once you’ve found a few doulas to talk to, here are some great questions to ask.

Trust your gut. Finding the right doula is about connection, comfort, and feeling seen.

What Is a Death Doula, Really?
At the end of the day, if someone asks you what is a death doula, here’s what you might say: “They’re someone who helps bring peace, support, and love to the dying process. They make it less scary and more human.”

In a world that often avoids talking about death, death doulas offer a brave and beautiful alternative—one rooted in presence, connection, and care. You don’t have to go through it alone. And neither does your loved one.

Ready to Take the Next Step?
If you’re feeling curious—or even a little relieved—after learning more about what a death doula is, you’re not alone. This work is all about meeting people where they are, with compassion and care.

Whether you're exploring options for a loved one, planning ahead for yourself, or simply want to talk through what support could look like, I'  here to help.

✨ Schedule a free consultation with me today to get your questions answered and explore what kind of support feels right for you.

It’s okay not to have all the answers. Let’s talk about what matters most—together.