Why It’s So Hard to Say the “Right” Thing

Discomfort, Grief, and Learning to Show Up Anyway

If you’ve ever found yourself hesitating before texting a grieving friend or stumbling over your words when someone tells you their loved one is dying, you’re not alone. Most of us have experienced that awkward, tightening feeling in our chest--what should I say? Is this the wrong time? What if I make it worse?

Even as a death doula, I feel this way. If it's not tightening in my chest it's a pit in my stomach. It happened recently when I reached out to a friend whose parent is being treated for cancer. I hesitated, worried about saying the wrong thing.
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But as I sat with that discomfort it occurred to me, perhaps we aren't struggling with what to say because it's difficult to offer something helpful.

Maybe we (I?)  struggle because grief and suffering make us (me?) uncomfortable.

​Other's suffering calls up our own fears, our own unprocessed pain, and the helplessness we feel when someone we love is hurting. Is our silence or hesitation is more about us than it is about the person we want to comfort?

It’s Not That We Don’t Care. It’s That We’re Afraid.

My friend's husband died.  She traveled across the country not long after and she visited with their mutual friends. When she came home she was hurt and angry.

"It was like there was a huge f*ing elephant in the room. People didn't even ask if I was okay."

​The silence can feel confusing and even painful. But I think if we dig into why that silence happens, we find that it’s usually not about a lack of care. It’s about fear.

We’re afraid we’ll say the wrong thing.
We’re afraid we’ll make them cry.
We’re afraid we’ll feel too much.
We’re afraid their grief will rub off on us, somehow.
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Our cultural discomfort with pain, mortality, and emotional vulnerability makes it hard to sit in the presence of suffering. Especially if we can’t fix it. But here’s the thing:

No one in pain is expecting us to fix it. They just want us to show up.

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Why Discomfort Hijacks Compassion

The emotional landscape of someone who is grieving or supporting a sick loved one is complex. But instead of walking alongside them, we often start managing our feelings first. That’s when discomfort takes the wheel and drives us straight into avoidance.

Discomfort tells us:

• “Give them space” (when what we mean is, “I don’t know how to deal with this.”)
• “They probably don’t want to talk about it” (when they may be aching to talk about it.)
• “I don’t want to say the wrong thing” (so we say nothing at all.)

We focus on getting it right, when what people really need is for us to be real.

It’s Not About the Perfect Words

Let’s be honest: there is no perfect sentence that will make someone feel whole when their world is breaking.

Showing up with sincerity and presence goes much farther than we think. In fact, people rarely remember what you said. They remember that you reached out. That you were there. That you didn’t flinch.

Instead of waiting until we feel perfectly equipped, we can start by getting curious about our own discomfort. When we pause and ask, “What is this bringing up in me?” we begin to unhook from the idea that we must perform grief support perfectly.
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Because grief isn’t a performance. It’s a relationship.

What Helps More Than Perfect Words?

When in doubt, keep it simple and grounded. Here are a few things that can help when someone is grieving or dealing with serious illness:

• “I’m so sorry. I’m here if you want to talk or sit in silence.”
• “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I’m thinking about you.”
• “Can I bring you a meal or walk your dog this week?”
• “I know I can’t fix this, but I want to be with you through it.”
• "This is really hard. I'm so sorry."

And when someone doesn’t respond right away or turns down support, don’t take it personally. Grief can make everyday interactions feel like lifting a boulder. Your steady presence matters, even if it’s not acknowledged immediately.

Practice Is the Antidote to Discomfort

Most of us didn’t grow up with models of how to talk about death, dying, or deep emotional pain. But like any skill, showing up gets easier with practice.

You can start by sitting with your own discomfort. When someone’s story stirs up fear, helplessness, or sadness, try not to push those feelings away. Notice them. Make space for them. And then you can choose to reach out anyway. The more we allow ourselves to feel, the more capacity we build to be present for others.

This is part of what death doulas, chaplains, therapists, and grief counselors learn to do —it’s something all of us can begin to practice (yes, it's a practice for us too!).

Don’t Let Perfectionism Keep You From Connection

It’s tempting to believe that if we just read the right article or say the right phrase, we’ll finally be “good” at showing up in hard times. But connection doesn’t require perfection. It requires courage.

It requires being willing to sit with your own unease and offer something imperfect but true to someone else.
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When someone we love is hurting, it’s not about knowing exactly what to do. It’s about choosing to stay connected, even when it’s uncomfortable.

A Quick Word About Platitudes

Well-meaning phrases like “everything happens for a reason,” “they’re in a better place,” or “at least they lived a long life” often land as minimizing. They attempt to bypass the rawness of grief by wrapping it up in logic or spirituality.
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Instead, if you can, meet people where they are. If they’re angry, be with their anger. If they’re numb, don’t try to pull them out. If they’re crying, just stay.

When we stop trying to fix people’s pain, we become safe places for their hearts to rest.

Resources to Go Deeper

Resources to Go DeeperIf you’re looking to get more comfortable with grief, illness, and loss—your own or someone else’s—here are a few beautiful resources:

• “It’s OK That You’re Not OK” by Megan Devine – A compassionate guide for grieving people and those who want to support them. (Also she has a podcast by the same name).
  
• The Dinner Party (www.thedinnerparty.org) – A community of 20- to 40-somethings who’ve lost someone close and gather to share meals and stories.
  
• Modern Loss (www.modernloss.com) – Offers honest, no-fluff resources and storytelling around grief.
  
• Being There: How to Love Those Who Are Hurting by Dave Furman – A book for those who want to care well without burning out or fixing.
  

Final Thoughts

The next time someone you know is going through something difficult—whether it’s the slow goodbye of illness or the shock of sudden loss—try not to search for the perfect thing to say.

Pause. Breathe. Notice your discomfort.

And then choose to connect.

A simple message, a kind gesture, a willingness to witness their pain—these things matter more than we know. When we show up, even clumsily, we become part of what helps people carry the weight of their suffering.

Not perfectly. But lovingly.

​And that’s more than enough.