Why It's Time to Talk About a Well Supported Death—Not Just a Good Death

When we talk about end-of-life care, one phrase comes up again and again: a good death. We say it in hushed tones, in wishes, in eulogies. "At least she had a good death," we might say, meaning there was peace, minimal pain, maybe even a moment of grace. And while that’s a beautiful sentiment, I want to talk about something different—something just as important, if not more so.

What if we shifted the conversation from simply hoping for a good death to actively preparing for a well supported death?
Because here's the truth: a good death doesn’t happen by accident. It happens when people are supported—emotionally, physically, spiritually, and logistically. A well supported death lays the groundwork for what we think of as a good death, but it centers the process, the people, and the infrastructure of care, not just the outcome.
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Let’s break down what that really means—and why this shift in language and perspective matters more than ever.

The Limits of the "Good Death" Narrative
The term good death has become a kind of shorthand in hospice and palliative care circles. It usually implies that the person who died did so peacefully, without unnecessary suffering, with dignity, and according to their values. And of course, that’s something to aspire to.

But here’s the problem: the phrase good death can sometimes feel vague, overly idealistic, or even judgmental. I mean who needs a measuring stick at the end of life to tell you how well your are doing. And also...

• What if someone dies in pain, but surrounded by love?
• What if they die in a hospital, not at home, but their wishes were honored as best they could be?
• What if they were scared, or angry, or left things unsaid?

Does that mean their death wasn’t "good?"

The reality is that death is complex. It’s unpredictable. And it’s not always clean or peaceful. When we talk only about the good death, we can unintentionally place blame or shame on families, caregivers, or even the dying person themselves when things don’t go perfectly.
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That’s where the concept of a well supported death comes in—and why it’s so important to shift our language and our expectations.

What Is a Well Supported Death?
A well supported death is about the infrastructure of care. It’s about the hands that hold someone—metaphorically and literally—through the final days, weeks, or months of their life.

Here’s what a well supported death includes:

• Physical support: Effective pain and symptom management, gentle personal care, rest, and access to comfort.
• Emotional support: Compassionate listeners, space for fear, tears, joy, or silence.
• Spiritual support: Access to rituals, prayers, meditation, ceremonies, or other meaningful practices.
• Logistical support: Help navigating hospice, end-of-life care options, funeral arrangements, and advance directives.
• Family support: Resources for caregivers, respite time, grief support, and honest communication.

A well supported death doesn’t necessarily mean everything goes perfectly. It means that no one was left carrying the weight alone. It means that support was there—even when things were hard.
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And here’s something crucial: a well supported death may still feel messy, painful, or even tragic. But it is carried, it is held, it is witnessed. That’s where the healing happens.

Why Language Matters: Moving From Good to Supported
When we say someone had a good death, we’re making a judgment—usually with good intentions, but still a judgment. That framing can unintentionally:

• Place pressure on families to "do it right"
• Imply that some deaths are "bad"
• Make people feel like they failed their loved one
• Overlook the complexity and unpredictability of dying

But when we talk about a well supported death, we move away from moral evaluation and toward compassionate process.
We’re not asking whether someone’s death was "good" or "bad." We’re asking: Were they cared for? Were their needs met? Were they seen and heard?

​That shift creates more space for nuance, honesty, and grace.

10 Real-Life Ways a Well Supported Death Shows Up
Let’s look at some tangible examples. These are all situations where people might not use the phrase good death, but they clearly demonstrate what a well supported death looks like.

1. A person with dementia dies in a facility where staff know their story, play their favorite music, and hold their hand during the final hours.
2. A dying parent’s adult children rotate shifts to be bedside, supported by a hospice team and a friend bringing food.
3. A terminally ill person uses Medical Aid in Dying, after long discussions with family, doctors, and an end-of-life doula who helps plan the day and their goodbyes.
4. A dying person experiences intense pain, but their caregivers advocate persistently to get the right medication and relief.
5. A person dies suddenly, but their family is surrounded by a community offering meals, childcare, and storytelling.
6. An end-of-life doula helps a family write legacy letters, facilitating connection even as decline progresses.
7. A hospital patient dies unexpectedly, but a chaplain and nurse stay with them, lighting a candle and offering prayers.
8. A chosen family rallies around a queer elder, making sure their pronouns, body, and wishes are respected after death.
9. A person dies at home with their dog in bed and their favorite record playing, thanks to a well-prepared advance care plan.
10. A dying person asks hard questions about what happens next, and their caregivers don’t look away—they stay and answer with honesty.

​Each of these examples reflects a well supported death. Not all would fit traditional definitions of a good death, but they center connection, care, and respect.

Why the Shift Matters for Families and Caregivers
If you’re reading this as someone supporting a loved one through illness or decline, you may already know how heavy that role can feel. The pressure to "get it right" can be overwhelming.

Shifting the focus to a well supported death allows you to ask better questions:

• Who else can help?
• What do they need emotionally—not just physically?
• How can we build in time for rest, ritual, and reflection?
• What kind of presence feels most comforting?

​Instead of striving for perfection, you can aim for presence.

Instead of chasing a good death, you can build a well supported death—together.

How to Begin Planning for a Well Supported Death
If you're wondering how to begin this kind of preparation, here are a few key steps and resources:
1. Have the Conversations Early. Use resources like:

• The Conversation Project
• GoWish Cards
  These tools can help you and your loved ones explore values and priorities long before a crisis.

2. Create an Advance Directive. This includes:

• Living will
• Healthcare proxy
• POLST (Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment)
  Check with your state’s laws and forms, or visit CaringInfo.

3. Explore Hospice and Palliative Care. Even if you’re not ready to enroll, understanding your options can reduce fear and empower decision-making. Hospice is often misunderstood—learn more through:

• Medicare.gov
• GetPalliativeCare.org

4. Consider Hiring an End-of-Life Doula. Doulas provide non-medical emotional, spiritual, and logistical support. Find one at:

• National End-of-Life Doula Alliance (NEDA)
• Death Doula Directory

5. Build a Circle of Support. Think beyond professionals: neighbors, friends, faith leaders, therapists, meal trains, and even pets can all play a role in creating a well supported death.

The Role of End-of-Life Doulas in a Well Supported Death
As a death doula, my work centers around exactly this: supporting a death that is not just “good” in appearance, but deeply supported in its reality.

I’ve sat with people whose dying process was chaotic and still beautiful. I’ve seen families fall apart and then pull together. I’ve helped clients plan their final weeks with intention and watched as their plans gave them peace, even when their deaths weren’t “perfect.”

What mattered most wasn’t whether the death fit someone’s idea of “good.” What mattered was that the person wasn’t adrift. That they were cared for. That they were witnessed.
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That’s the heart of a well supported death.

Let’s Reframe the Narrative
The phrase good death isn’t going anywhere—and it doesn’t need to. But let’s expand our language.

Let’s start talking more about what it takes to get there, and how we can offer each other support through the process.
Let’s talk about:

• Building systems of care
• Naming the helpers
• Holding space for imperfection
• Honoring emotional needs, not just physical ones

Let’s talk about a well supported death.

​Because when we do, we give ourselves—and each other—permission to show up in all our human messiness and love.
We stop chasing the impossible and start offering presence. We become doulas to each other.

Final Thoughts: What You Can Do Today
Here are three things you can do right now to help move this shift forward:

1. Talk about your wishes. Even if it’s awkward. Especially if it’s awkward.
2. Support someone else’s death. Bring soup. Sit quietly. Ask what they need.
3. Change your language. The next time you hear “a good death,” consider adding, “It sounds like they were well supported.”

​Because the more we talk about a well supported death, the more we create space for truth, care, and connection.
And in the end, isn’t that what really matters?

Resources Recap:

• The Conversation Project
• GoWish Cards
• Medicare.gov (hospice directory)
• GetPalliativeCare.org
• National End-of-Life Doula Alliance (NEDA)
• Death Doula Directory
• National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (NHPCO)

Want help planning for a well supported death?
I offer consultations, companionship, and compassionate presence for individuals and families navigating end-of-life. Reach out anytime—I’m here to walk beside you.

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