Messages from Doula KaseyResources, motivation, and tools to help you and your loved ones have a well supported death
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I recently got a message that a hospice client I visited for several months had taken a turn and been hospitalized. It sounded like this might be the end and I reached out to visit. I spoke her sweet and devoted husband and asked if coming to the hospital would feel like an imposition. “Not at all,” he said. “We’d love for you to come.” They already had someone visiting in the morning, so I planned to come in the afternoon. That morning, I was on the farm. And as I was leaving, I got a message: She died.  Tiny frog I spotted in the field at the farm Does it surprise you to know that death doulas grieve? I certainly do. My initial wave of grief came with something else, too, guilt. I was too late. I should have come the day before. I called my client’s husband back. I offered my condolences and asked if they still wanted me to come. “Yes,” he said. I was there within the hour. What unfolded next was a series of goodbyes. For me. For family members who arrived shortly after. The hospital staff was so kind and supportive, creating space for everyone to be with her in those first moments after death. And then the question came: “Now what do we do?” I walked her husband, her sisters, her sons through what could happen next. We talked about calling their chosen funeral home, what decisions needed to be made soon, and which ones could wait while everyone caught their breath. What a gift it was that they had talked about what she wanted. What a gift that in a moment that was so tender, so sad, and so full… there was some clarity to fall back on. When everyone was ready to leave the hospital, I went with her husband to the funeral home. I took notes. I asked clarifying questions based on what the family had already discussed. And that’s the part that has stayed with me.  Little Bit and Sprout playing outside It matters to talk to your family about after death plans. Not because we can control everything. Not because we can make it easy. But because we can make it a little more clear. A little more grounded. A little more supported. How to Start the ConversationThese conversations don’t have to be perfect. They don’t have to happen all at once. If you’re not sure where to begin, here are a few gentle ways in: 1. Start with your values, not your logisticsInstead of jumping straight into decisions, begin with what matters most to you. You might say: “I’ve been thinking about what feels important to me at the end of life… can I share some of that with you?” 2. Make it a conversation, not a declarationThis isn’t about handing down instructions, it’s about creating shared understanding. You might ask: “If something were to happen to me, what would feel most supportive for you?” 3. Give permission for flexibilityMany people worry about “getting it right.” It can be incredibly grounding to say: “These are my preferences, but I trust you to make decisions in the moment based on what feels right.” These conversations are an act of care. They don’t take away the grief. But they can soften the uncertainty that often comes with it.  My last day snowboarding (it was about 60 degrees out spring conditions are WILD) Is there someone in your life who would be responsible for making decisions on your behalf? Do they know what matters most to you? What is one small thing you could share with them this week--not everything, just one thing—that might make things a little clearer for both of you? You don’t have to have the whole conversation today. But you can begin. And if you’d like to practice on someone, feel free to reach out and let me know what matters most to you. If you’re thinking about having these conversations and don’t know where to start, you don’t have to figure it out alone. If it feels supportive, you’re welcome to reach out. With great care, Kasey
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4/13/2026 0 Comments Relationships Are the Work: What an End of Life Doula Teaches About a Well Supported DeathWhat does an end of life doula actually do? This reflective post explores relationships, presence, and how connection shapes a well supported death for individuals and families.
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Doula Care for Dying, LLC. serves southern Vermont, New Hampshire, and nationwide virtually.
Call (802) 546-1110 Email: [email protected] |